out of place

sometimes i get lonely even if there is everyone i love is around me! Last night i got very lonely ! everyone was on me about my cuts and a new one like always i didn't mean to make! i love steve but at that moment all i wanted to do is get him away and i did i pushed him away and shook really bad i wondered if would eer have a really bad reaction to somthing and i foung it! It was steve with the knife to his wrist....... it plays in my head over and over again... i know that i caused him to put a knife to his wrist and i almost felt as though i wanted to dump him...... he was causing me so much pain but i just want to hug him..... i feel like inseatd of trailing around a red ant hill i'm ingulfed in them!! i'm tredding to close and inside i hate it, i hate having connection!


OK... now maybe i can tell you of the whole weekend and friday!!well on friday i got up like usual and went over to anja's and went back to mine like we do sometimes but this time we just sat and talked and didn't leave for the bus, we where going to a planned parenthood meeting... we went and came back to school... wellt hats when things got bad... a stupid fat cheerleader bumped into me at lunch and when i asked if she would say excuse me another stupid slanky cheerleader said no..... oh i got so mad sosososososo SO mad but nothing happened because i wouldn't let it happen....oh well at least i would have the pep rally... BUT NO.. i was in detention and i would have called my mom and thru a fit but i fell asleep.. So then i went home and all i wanted to do was go and see steve but i was grounded and he wasn't at the bus stop! so then kye was home but that for some odd reason didn't make me feel any better so i cried and then mom said that we werent going to that night's greenday concerte but the one on saturday!! oh my god i wanted to kill somone i was so mad but i didn't!! i went to bed early.........

.. i woke up at eight to BO saying get up you have to clean you'r room but i didn't and she left to get djinn and every few seconds kye would come in and say kat you shuold get up and clean you'r room..... then the last time kye came in she said kat steve's at the door .... so i got up as fast as i could and i gave him a hug and i know the hug only lasted a few seconds but it seemed likr a life time because i wanted him so bad!! so i got up started to clean my room djinn ot home stev, zach, anja, and i think that's it came over and we hung out and then we ate breakfast and went to dorney park it was fun but it would not have made a differnce if i would have went or not then we gave djin back and went home for thrity seconds got ready and was in the car for two hours and where at a New Jersey airport arena and we listned to Green Day concerte for about three hours and i barely sat down the whole time!! THEY PLAYED BASCKET CASE!! haha..... that is and always will be my antheme!! So then i went to slep in the cAR and barely moved to my room and crashed



I woke up to jaz telling me that steve was on the phone!! So i got up and talked for awhile and then mom started to yell at me for not cleaning my room and for being on the phone on groundation!! so i started to clean my room and hours passed then mom said friends can come over ....... bye bye